April Fools!
by Hammy Penguin
Summary: Hammy Penguin strikes again! Check out all your favorite movies in which a vital character supposedly died! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
1. Titanic!

April Fooools!  
By: Hammy Penguin  
  
Chapter Uno: Titanic!  
  
The wind of the ocean blew over Rose's head, causing her extremely long hair to fly off her head.  
  
"Barnacles," she muttered, rubbing her bald head. "That cost me money."  
  
Upon rubbing her head, some of her skin came off on her hand.  
  
"Ew." She wiped her hand off on her nighty which snapped off instantly. "Urg! My hand!" she began but opened her mouth to wide causing her mandible to dislocate and smash to pieces on the deck. "I'm getting too old for...anything," she thought, since she couldn't really talk now.  
  
Then she realized why she came out here in the first place. She reached in the pocket of her nighty, which wasn't there in the first place, it just magically appeared, and pulled out the Heart of the Ocean.  
  
She had forgotten how heavy it was, causing her arm to pop out of its socket and crash onto the floor of the boat. It instantly shattered.  
  
No, her arm, not the necklace.  
  
"Darn," she muttered, kicking the necklace so it would slide into the ocean. Three seconds later, she realized her toe was smashed in from the weight of the necklace. "Meeeergh!" she commented before the boat suddenly ran over a flock of flesh-eating penguins crossing the ocean on their way to New Zealand carrying a torso and a babay and caused the ship to rear up and dump the Heart of the Ocean into the heart of the ocean.  
  
I know what you're thinking. The penguins couldn't possibly have been there if the story took place 100 years from the time the other story did but this is Hammy Penguin's story. And Hammy Penguin says that when the penguins entered the ocean, they fell into a portal that sent them into the year 1997, okay? So just shut up!  
  
Loser.  
  
"Neeeyaahhh..." said a voice from the side of the boat causing Rose to jump and her atrium to fall off her heart in surprise.  
  
"Whooossh there?" she asked the best she could by means of not having a bottom jaw or a piece of her heart.  
  
"It's me, Rose," came the shuddering voice.  
  
"Oh, I thought you were Jack or something," she told the voice.  
  
Just then, a moldy, wet, zombified, prune-looking creepy dude popped up behind the railing to stare Rose in the face. Lodged in the side of his head was the necklace.  
  
"HOLY MOSES!" Rose responded, causing her aorta to collapse.  
  
"It's me, Rose! Jack!" the old prune garbled. It looked like he had been swimming the ocean for 86 years and during that time had been attacked by a group of walruses and beluga whales.  
  
"Rose, I've been swimming the ocean for 86 years and during that time I'd been attacked by a group of walruses and beluga whales. But I'm okay now! ...Well all things considered," he concluded as the skin of his green neck peeled off rapidly.  
  
"Oh, Jack, you still have your boyishly good looks," Rose observed before realizing that she was blind.  
  
"Uh, okay."  
  
"But I thought you died, Jack! You froze to death and then sank, disappearing under the water!"  
  
There was a very long silence as the squawking of the flesh-eating penguins echoed in the distance. A tumble weed rolled across the water and a chunk of Rose's side slid off her body.  
  
"April Fools!" Jack exclaimed, throwing his arms into the air, which immediately flew out of their shoulder sockets and exploded into fireworks above them.  
  
The fireworks were too much of a surprise for Rose and her heart just altogether gave out.  
  
"Well, damn," Jack muttered before taking her wallet in his teeth and jumping back into the ocean to rejoin his pod of seaturtles who were waiting to go paintballing with him. 


	2. Moulin Rouge!

Chapter Doux: Moulin Rouge!

"This Dove candy looks like turds," was the last thing Toulouse had said before he dropped to the ground and died.

Christian stared down at his body, shrugged and left the room.

Things had been so different since Satine's death. Everyone was just suddenly dying and/or getting deadly diseases such as headimploditis and sudden adult death syndrome. Yeah, it was SAD. Get it? SAD? Sudden Adu—okay, you don't get it because you're stupid.

Loser.

So anyways, Christian had been to 1,468½ funerals in the last two weeks. Including his own. And now Toulouse made 1,469½. It was like the Bubonic Plague…only not.

They were going to put quarantines on dead people so that they'd stop. But the French King/President/Prime Minister/Tribal Leader kept forgetting so more and more people would die by the minute. The entire time, he had been preoccupied with hardcore house parties with his dead friends. He somehow didn't notice they were dead. Maybe it was because they were all strung up to the ceiling and being controlled by garden gnomes and one Mexican donkey.

Well, anyways, it was bad and Christian was sick of it. He was tired of death and tired of the little Indian boy on the Tootsie Roll pop sucker wrappers watching him ALL DAY LONG!

"Quit staring at me!" he told the boy one day.

His harsh words made the boy collapse and die.

"Oh, I'm sorry," he quickly apologized. Then he realized there had to be a funeral. Hence the ½ funeral.

The picture of Christian's dead parakeet Peetey moved aside and Satine fell to the floor.

"Hi," she said.

"Oh, hi," Christian greeted.

Sixteen seconds later, he realized what happened.

"BAAAAAAAAAAAAH??!!" he politely inquired.

"Remember when I died?" she began to explain.

"Uhhhhh…" Christian tried to remember but all he could think about was the little mustachey dude on the Pringles can that was now watching him with loving eyes.

That bowtie was so sexy on him.

"Well, I didn't really die. I just fell asleep because I needed a brief respite from my unrespiteful life." She grinned and a strobe light exploded from her teeth.

"……….Unrespiteful isn't even a word," Christian said. "I would know. I read the dictionary."

"Caa!" commented the picture of Christian's dead parakeet Peetey. 

"He looks British," observed Christian while staring at the Pringles can.

"April Fools!" Satine squealed.

"But it's August," Christian corrected.

Luckily, right at that moment, an unconscious Argentinean fell through the roof and smashed Satine into little bite-sized pieces.

"Hey…" Christian groaned. "You killed her, man."

The unconscious Argentinean, who wasn't unconscious at the moment, looked up at him and then realized what he meant.

"Whoops. Sorry," he apologized before he became unconscious, fell over and died.


	3. Return of the King!

Is there seriously such a thing as accordion lessons? That's interesting.

Chapter Drei: Return of the King!

Everybody was sitting around a table in one of the many big halls around Minas Tirith waiting for their dinner. They had been waiting for the past five and a half days, so it was in fact the early morning and therefore should have been breakfast instead of dinner.

They all looked around and blinked a few times. Well, a few times since about eight seconds earlier. If it had been counted how many times they had blinked in their lives all together it would probably very well go up to 12,776,084 or near abouts.

"Sooooooooooo…" Aragorn commented.

Nobody replied. That made him sad. He had worked so hard on making an interesting conversation.

However, at that moment there was a knock at the door, which opened up even though nobody had said that the person could come in. That was rather rude.

When the door was open as far as it could, everybody was able to see who it was who had knocked on the door and had not waited for anybody to allow them entrance.

"BAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!" cried Aragorn.

"AAAAAAAAAAAH!!!" screamed Arwen.

"MOOOONNNKKKEEEEYYYY!!!" screeched Gimli.

"Where?" asked Legolas.

"MOOOOOOOOOOO!" said the cow who had not been milked in four days.

"RUN AWAY!!" suggested Eomer, who had been in a strangely sissy mood lately.

Faramir looked at the thing and after a few moments of consideration said, "Daaaad?"

That would have been a lot to deduce of the pile of ash outside the door that vaguely resembled something that might have been human shaped at some time.

In reply the thing went "Eeeeeeeeeeeeehhhhhhhhh."

There was a really long pause.

"Eeeeeeeehhhhhhhhh?" the thing asked.

"Oh, yeah, sure, come right in," Aragorn said, although not really wanting the lump of ash to sit on any of his newly upholstered chair cushions.

The Thing, which they were all starting to realize was Denethor, shook what would have been a fist at Aragorn. "Eeehh hhhh eeehh hehhh!" he rattled off.

Everybody gasped.

"Well, that was not very nice," Legolas pointed out with a frown.

"Eeeeh hhhhhh!" Denethor shot back.

"I am not a pansy!!" Legolas cried before running out of the room.

"Dad! Stop it! You don't have to be a turd just because you don't get your way," Faramir said in exasperation.

"Hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh," was Denethor's snooty reply.

"No you don't. Why are you here anyways? You couldn't just die and stay dead?"

Denethor tried to do something that was a grin, but considering that he no longer had any facial muscles, along with the fact that he didn't even have a face, the attempt didn't really work. "AAAAAAAhhhhhh fhhhhhhhhhhhhh."

Aragorn leaned over to Arwen. "So much for dignity," he said, noting that pretty much everything that came out of Denethor's… mouth… sounded more like some really messed up animal's mating call.

Arwen just nodded.

Faramir looked at Denethor for a minute. "…What's April?"

The Ash Pile Denethor paused for a moment in his triumph. "Hhhhhh."

Then he blew away in a sudden gust of wind despite the fact that they were in a closed room with no windows. That being the case the wind was probably just Gimli's gas.

Sam returned back to Number Three Bagshot Row late in the evening. He was still pretty emotionally depressed after having his bestest friend decide to leave Middle-Earth and go to the Land of Eternal Snazziness, otherwise known as Valinor. Or maybe it was Eressea. Whatever, didn't really matter cause no matter what he was still gone.

As he came close to the house, a cute little hobbit lassie ran out of the door and gave him a hug. Next came his wifey Rosie holding mini-Frodo. For a minute he continued to be very sad and heartbroken, but then decided that his life was still pretty good and went into his cozy little hobbit hole complete with a breakfast nook but not by the sea.

"Well," he began, finally consenting that there really wasn't much else he could do but stay there, "I'm back."

They all went back inside to have dinner before going out again and playing a nice family game of tip the cow.

As soon as they went inside, a creepy little figure with big buggy blue eyes that looked like somebody had stuffed glow in the dark light sticks in his eye sockets slowly popped up out of one of the many topiaries in the yard. This one happened to look like a flamingo.

"Ssssss…" he hissed pensively. "Now we shall have our revenge, my precious! We shall show them about April Fool's, shan't we?"

The eyes became less ratio-active blue glowing for a moment. "Yes, yes. They can take away the Precious, and we can take away their baby!!"

The blue lit up again and he made a noise that was probably a laugh. It was hard to tell.

After a couple hours of hardcore cow tipping, the Gamgee family returned to their humble abode. Rosie put the children to bed, and then Sam and she sat in the family room talking about various things including, but not limited to, gardening, cow tipping, the man on the Pringles can, and how those packing peanuts were made.

While they spoke about this, the freakish looking fellow from earlier crept to the window which went to mini-Frodo's bedroom. Carefully he climbed in and scurried across the floor to the baby's crib and peaked over the side with a low hiss.

Mini-Frodo looked at Gollum and smiled. Gollum frowned as he couldn't figure out why anybody would smile at him, even a baby.

With a shrug, he reached in and grabbed the baby, hoisting it up and getting ready to bash its head open on the crib rail.

Yet at that moment the baby became attracted to his large florescent eyes. With the accuracy that little babies have in going for things which cause pain, he stuck out his hands and grabbed at Gollum's eyes.

Gollum let out a screech of pain and dropped mini-Frodo, who conveniently landed on Rosie's yoga ball and bounced back into the crib.

However, Gollum was having a more difficult time. His eyes, which were terribly sensitive, hurt a ton. He backed up to the window and accidentally fell out of it, only to be struck down by a meteor that came flying out of the sky at that moment.

The only thing left of him was a small pile of charred remains in the bottom of a deep crater.


	4. Mystic River!

Chapter Fire: Mystic River!

After the parade, Jimmy, Annabeth, Nadine, and Sara returned to their crappy apartment which wasn't by the sea or complete with a breakfast nook and went their separate ways. The girls bolted into the playroom to play Grand Theft Auto on their PS2, Annabeth passed out on her way to the bathroom from too much indigestion (parades are chock-full of hot diggity dogs) and Jimmy sat on the couch in the living room.

It would've been understandable for him to do so if there was a TV in the room but there was nothing but a statue of Dark Lord Chubby the Silly Piggy made of macaroni and cheeeese. And he was staring at it.

Jimmy thought back to earlier that week when he had shot his childhood buddy Dave in the forehead and he and Val dumping his body in the Mystic River just as they did to Just Ray Harris 13 years before.

Then he thought of packing peanuts and how on earth they were made.

It seemed so complicated. Those little pieces of Styrofoam that were so fun to break in your hand and yet protect the fragilest of china. Yes, it seemed complicated…and yet it seemed so simple.

"My God," Jimmy muttered coming to a realization. "How the hell do they make those things?"

He turned in the couch to see Annabeth's body sprawled on the hallway floor.

"Hey, honey? How do they make them little packing peanuts?"

A puddle of drool formed on the carpet under Annabeth's mouth in response.

"But…I gotta know…" Jimmy jumped up from his couch and stared wide-eyed at Dark Lord Chubby the Silly Piggy. "I GOTTA KNOW!!!"

Jimmy mindlessly bolted out the room and ran head on into the door.

After remolding his nose back to what it was before, he turned the knob and pulled it open.

"April Fools!" yelled Dave, standing before Jimmy. But not for long.

Jimmy collided bodies with Dave and they were both sent toppling over and rolling down the 18 flights of stairs. 10 minutes later, they arrived at the bottom floor, pretty banged up.

Dave rolled off the top of Jimmy and they both lay on the ground, catching their breath. Yeah, they used a lot of breath as they tumbled down the stairs.

"Ow," stated Jimmy.

"Ow," Dave agreed.

An obese lady and her 9 obese kids (including the obese baby) didn't notice the two mangle bodies on the floor and proceeded to walk over them, splitting their bones causing them to make nasty squish noises.

"Well, this really sucks," Dave decided.

"Dave, I thought I killed you," Jimmy muttered, his mouth was shoved to the side of his face.

"Well, one thing you forgot, Jimmy. I am The Boy Who Escaped From Wolves and Grew Up and Cannot Die."

"…Since when?"

Dave attempted to shrug…if he had any intact bones in his shoulders.

"Hey, Dave? Let me ask you something."

"Sure, Jimmy."

"How do they make those little packing peanuts?"

Dave began to explain but froze.

"You know what? I have no idea."

"YOU DON'T?!!" Jimmy demanded.

Both of them let out painful and frustrated screams and somehow regained physical power to run outside and grab random people on the street demanding how they make packing peanuts.

Nobody knew. NOBODY!

And so Jimmy and Dave resorted to running around trying to find someone who did, or just a packing peanut factory but to no avail. They finally came upon a vast field. The only vast field in the state of Massachusetts.

Dave was hit by a semi on the way over but Jimmy made it to the field, dropped to his knees and threw up his arms and demanded the sky: "HOOOOW DO THEY MAAAAAAAKE PAAAAAACKING PEEEEEEAAAAANUUUUUTS??!!!"

The sky didn't know either.


	5. Pirates of the Caribbean!

Chapter Vijf: Pirates of the Caribbean!

"Now…bring me that horizon," Jack muttered contently, his hand firmly on the steering wheel. "Da nanananaananana…" he attempted to sing while looking into his broken compass. "…and really bad eeeeeeeggs…drink up me hearties yo ho!"

His fingers shut the compass with a snap and he looked back up at the earlier mentioned horizon.

Only there seemed to be something in the way.

After his perma-intoxicated brain cranked through the evidence before him, he realized what it was.

"BARBOOOOOOOOOSA!?!?" he said in shock, although with a great amount of calmness.

"April Fools!" Barbooooooooosa said pulling out a gun.

"Neeeah!" Jack interjected and pulled out his gun even quicker. He then shot Barbooooooooooosa in the head so that he tumbled off the side of the ship.

Barboooooooooooosa made a nice splash in the water that the Olympic judges on board gave a 7.2. Odd, normally they didn't like bellyflops.

"Loser," Jack commented, and then turned back to look at the big wide gigantic large massive gargantuan vast spacious immense seaaaa.


	6. Episode I: The Phandom Menace!

Chapter Sei: Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace!

"I'll bet Qui-Gon also told you about your father," Darth Maul said, his lightsaber at the ready.

"He told me enough!" Obi Wan sobbed like a little giiiiiiiiiirl. "He told me you killed him!"

"No, Obi-Wan. _I_ am your father!" Then he threw back his head that looked like it was painted by an Arizona Cardinals fan (Seriously, man. I mean black and red isn't that intimidating but a huge semi-circle of hair sure as hell is. But we'll not go into that!) and laughed maniacally as the theme music played ominously and suspensefully.

Obi-Wan blinked. "No, you're not."

The music wound down and Darth Maul quit laughing.

"Stop trying to be cool, man. I'm the one with the spiffy hair around here," said Obi-Wan haughtily, running a hand through his perfectly cut haaaaaaair.

"Oh. Well, I'll kill you anyways."

And so they fought until Obi eventually sliced him in half, ripping off Sleepy Hollow, and both halves of him fell down the garbage chute and was instantly attacked by rabid quails who had waited 19 years for some food.

Obi rushed over to Qui.

"You've got to go on, Obi-Wan," Qui-Gon Gin…RUMMY!!! Couldn't resist. Anyways, yeah, he said it. Go him.

"I can't go on without you, though," Obi-Wan blubbered.

"You've got so much to give…train the boy, Obi-Wan."

"No…"

"Yes. Promise meeee…"

Obi-Wan sneezed.

"Promise meeee….that way I'll…I'll always be wi—" Suddenly his heart melted into a puddle of cheese and he died as a result.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO—" Obi gasped for breath and continued. "OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!" He suddenly stopped and sniffed the air. "Ooo, pizza…" He dropped Qui-Gon's body and pranced off in search of the food.

As he turned the corner, he spotted Darth Maul's lower half strutting towards him in a rather flustered manner.

Clinging to his hips was the upper half of Darth Maul, grinning sinisterly.

"April Fools, you stupid Jedi! Now I'm here to kill you!" he spat.

Obi-Wan cocked an eyebrow and stepped aside as the legs marched past on account of the brain not being connected to them any longer and therefore unable to have any control over their functions. So it didn't stop as it walked right off a runway that appeared out of nowhere which led to a black hole and was immediately chopped up by the mystic cheese graters that lay within.

"April Fools indeed," Obi mused. "Now for that pizza!"

A week later, the space dudes held a nice little funeral for Qui. It reminded everybody of Schindler's list when…okay.

Anakin stood by Obi, both eating their ice cream cones and watching Qui burn up in the huge bon fire as the little Ewoks chanted while doing a rain dance around it.

The pre-Darth Vader looked over at Amidala who gave him a slow backwards nod. He was strangely attracted to this girl who had her freakish hair down and somewhat normal. Anakin didn't think he'd possibly be in love with her since he was only a shrimpy kid. He then decided to ask Obi-Wan about women and how they tick. "Mr. Wan?" he began.

Obi Wan whirled to face him. "I AM GOING TO TRAIN YOU WHETHER YOU LIKE IT OR NOT, WIMP!!!"

In response, Anakin let out a girly scream and headed for the hills.

Everybody turned to look at Obi Wan and shook their heads in shame.

"What?" he asked innocently.

"It's getting kinda hot in here," Qui Gon complained, sitting up. "Heeeelp…"

The space dudes didn't hear him or notice him or smell his flesh burning and got bored so they all went out for more ice-cream. Even Obi-Wan who kept getting his name hyphenated and unhyphenated.

"April Fools, you guys! April Fooooools! I was JOKING! You can all come back now! I'm not quite dead! …Guys? I'm not dead! I'm ALIVE! I feeeeeel happyyyyy! I feeeeeel happyyyyyy! …And quite hot…"


	7. Harry Potter!

Chapter Septem: Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix!

Harry watched as Sirius hovered for a moment above the curtain. Sirius himself looked down and frowned. "Well poop," he commented as he shot back through the black curtain.

For a moment Harry waited for him to come out the other side, but he never did. He had just vanished.

"Bu-bu-bu-buttttttt…" he stuttered, confused beyond anything since he had seen that circus clown riding a unicycle on his nose while knitting a baby blanket with his feet and having flowers grow out of his fingernails.

Then it hit him. Sirius was GONE!!! GONE AND DEAD!!

Harry flung himself down on his face. "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!" he wailed while flailing his arms around. "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!! YOUU CAN'T DIEEE NOOOOW!!!" He continued to cry for another eighteen minutes in which everybody stayed far away from him.

After smacking his hands so much that they were pretty raw, he sat up discontentedly. Jeez, it wasn't like he hadn't been an angry enough teenager before that. This made it a WHOLE lot better.

Yet at that moment there was a gasp of shock from the few people still in the room.

Harry looked up and saw Sirius striking a pose in front of the creepy curtain. "Bu-bu-bu-buttttttt…" Harry stuttered again, now being even more confused than he was just a few minutes ago, which had been about equally confusing as the clown riding a unicycle on his nose while knitting a baby blanket with his feet and having flowers grow out of his fingernails.

"April Fools!" Sirius exclaimed in a very un-Sirius like way.

Harry frowned and felt like breaking something because he suddenly was very hormonally unbalanced. So he took the little glass ball thing he had been running around with and threw it on the ground.

"N—ah…" Lupin began, but then stopped as the ball shattered into thousands of tiny sparkling bits on the ground.

"DON'T YOU EVER DO SOMETHING LIKE THAT AGAIN SIRIUS OR I'LL—" he began and continued with a very long slew of vulgar cusses which caused everybody to gape at him. It also made it impossible for all of the Death Eaters to hear what the heck the magic swirlie nifty ball had said.

"Why do we always lose!?" one complained, stamping their foot before they went away dejectedly with the rest of the group to go to a quaint little internet café down the block.

"Holy crap Harry, get a grip. I was just joking!" Sirius said in a hurt voice.

Harry just made a sound of anger and marched away like the immature teenager that he was.

"Well man, what's eating him?" Sirius asked.

Everybody else shrugged.


	8. Van Helsing!

Chapter Eight: Van Helsing!

With a sigh, Van Helsing stared into the sky after the cheesy moment of 'oh-look-she's-with-her-family-made-of-clouds-so-she-must-be-happy-but-is-she-dum-dum-dum' and replaced his little Indy Jones hat.

"Well, Carl," he sighed…again, "it's time to head on home."

"Home?" chirped the fruity little monk. "What do you mean home? We don't…live anywhere."

"Haven't you heard of the YMCA?"

Carl blinked. "Yes." He grinned.

"Come on." Van Helsing held out his hand and the little monky took it and together they headed down the hill and rode into the sunset, pseudo-romantically.

The end.

Just kidding, you loser.

Actually, they WERE going to ride into the sunset, but in that case, they would've ridden straight into the ocean and collided with Frankenstein who was paddling out to get some ice cubes from the pack of flesh-eating penguins in New Zealand, which he was going the wrong direction anyways because he was going north and NZ is south, but he didn't care, he was going to get ice cubes because he couldn't have his ice tea without ice cubes, raspberry, and he wanted some frickin' cooling units for his beverage and he wasn't going to die without it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

But they didn't. They went the other way.

Along the little path they took to their horses, they passed a semi giant boulder in which the rather mangled looking Count Dracula emerged and grinned.

"April foooooools! And now I shall finish what I started!" he hissed.

Since Van Helsing didn't bring his buzz saw doohickie with him, or any weapons for that matter except for a flower that looked rather dangerous, he was totally unprepared and resorted to doing the first thing that came to his noggin.

A disembodied beat kicked and Carl and Van Helsing began doing the Macarena, shaking their little tushes like nobody's business.

Dracula…

Dracula checked his watch.

"Heeeeey Macarena! Ah-ya!" they both finished landing in an imposing stance in front of him.

There was a very long silence.

During the silence, an owl hooted and swooped down to nab a mouse who was trying to do the Macarena as well. …What?

"Yeah…that was great," Dracula congratulated. "Anyways, back to what I was doing."

Ominous and suspenseful music filled the air as he reached behind his back and stared at them under his eyebrow…s. Carl and Van Helsing held each other and shook like Furbies on crack cocaine, waiting for him to whip out his weapon of choice.

"How would you two like to…purchase some of these fine quality hair clips?" he demanded, displaying a rather large assortment that he magically grabbed from behind his back.

"Oooooo…" Carl's eyes grew four times larger than their previous size.

Van Helsing resisted the urge to drool over the shiny shininess that were the hairclips and said something along the lines of, "Dracula, you're the most notorious gangster I have ever had the unfortunate privilege of meeting."

With that, he grabbed the flower and sliced off Dracula's head in one clean motion.

"Ohhh…" Carl groaned, extremely disappointed. "I wanted to buy a hairclip."

"Shut up, Carl. You don't even have enough hair to clip it with."

"Who said I was using the hair on my HEAD?"

The mothers reading this all screamed and covered their children's ears.

"I meant my pits!" Carl said defensively.

"Well, anyways, let's go…home."

Suddenly, Dracula's hand shot out from its withered up position on the ground and grabbed Van Helsing's leg.

"Let go, dude," he grumbled, wrenching his leg away and stomping on the arm.

"Hey, if HE can come back to life," Carl mused, sticking a finger on his nose and the other in his ear, "maybe Anna can come back to life!"

Dramatic music of hopes and dreams swelled in the air.

Van Helsing rolled his eyes and continued walking down the hill. Carl watched him go.

"I was just kidding!" he giggled nervously.

Strangely, Carl felt something begin to slide up his back. He whirled around to find the headless corpse had somehow found its way…

"It's the dead thing that crawled onto my back and died," Carl said, rather calmly before peeling off the corpse that obviously had no intention of killing him, unless it was to bleed on him, and tossed it lightly over the edge of the cliff where it then smashed to itsy bitsy bite-sized pieces on the rocks below like a blooming red flower, opening its petals to the world around it.

Or like that bear in Cold Mountain.

Carl giggled giddily at his heroic deed but received nothing in appreciation but a pellet in the eye from the owl.


End file.
